Best mnemonic I’ve heard yet (as long as we’re still stereotyping): NAACP.

National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, you say? WRONG! NAACP actually stands for Neoplasia, Asthma, Allergy, Collagen Vascular Disease, and Parasites… all the things that cause “colored” cells to increase in number. Oh… by “colored”, I mean “red”. As in eosinophils.

And the award for Most Misplaced Section In First Aid (drumroll please!) goes to the section on Psammoma Bodies. If you thought you’d find it in endocrine (papillary CA of the thyroid), reproductive (serous cystadenoCA of the ovary), neuro (meningioma), or respiratory (mesothelioma), you’d be wrong. It’s in hematology, on page 307. Why, I have no idea… psammoma bodies are a far cry from a blood-based disease.

Earlier on, when I was talking about my golden rules for SBS, I mentioned that you shouldn’t stereotype… openly. The USMLE is your chance to practice. Nobody ever needs to know that the instant you see lawyer you immediately think scumbag who sleeps with prostitutes and therefore has gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, and herpes. It’ll stay our dirty little secret.

Stereotyping for the USMLE:
How To Discriminate Your Way To The Top

Race/Ethnicity

African Americans have sarcoid and sickle cell.
Africans have Burkitt’s, malaria, sleeping sickness, or worse.
White kids have cystic fibrosis and can’t dance.
Jewish girls have ulcerative colitis or crohn’s.
Eastern Europeans have glycogen storage diseases (oy vey!).
Gorgeous Mediterranian men have beta thalassemia.
Japanese people have stomach cancer and ninja skills.
Peruvians have huge lungs, hypoxia, and polycythemia.
Native Americans are obese, have diabetes, high cholesterol, and gallstones.
Indians (from India) have TB and oral cancer from chewing Betel nuts .
Immigrants all have a disease that we can prevent with a vaccine.
Central Americans have Chagas and can dance the tango.
Mexican Kids have lead poisoning (lead-laced candy was a bad call, vatos).
French people - particularly from Paris, that dirty, dirty city - have toxoplasmosis.
Asians have alpha thalassemia, Takayasu Arteritis, and asian glow.
Americans are fat. Actually, thats just an observation of mine.
“Urban” patients present to the ER with knife wounds that conveniently test your knowledge of anatomy.

Professions

Lawyers have STD’s (gotcha now, suckas!).
Dentists and aerospace workers have Berylliosis.
Explosives experts / Explosives plant workers get “monday morning headache”.
Coal miners have CWP, TB, and Rheumatoid Arthritis.
Cave explorers have cryptococcus.
Sheepherders have echinococcus and a dog named Lassie.
Radiologists have any blood cancer but CLL.
Nurses and pharmacists have factitious disorder.
Football players, wrestlers, and weight lifters are taking anabolic steroids.
Young athletes have osteogenic sarcoma.

Pathologic States

Kids (0-14) who are tired have ALL.
Young Adults (14-40) who are tired have AML.
Adults (40-60) who are tired have CML.
Elderly (60-?) who are tired have CLL.
Kids with Downs have a VSD, Hirschsprungs, ALL, and Alzheimers.
Transplant patients got CMV in addition to their shiny new organ.
Diabetics have life-threatening mucor infection. Every freakin’ time.
HIV patients have toxoplasmosis, if it’s a multiloculated brain cyst.
Moms who lose their first baby have type O blood.

Lifestyles

Women are always pregnant. No matter how careful they were.
Alcoholics have HCC, B12 deficiency, Klebs pneumonia, and Wernicke-Korsikoff.
IV drug users have right sided endocarditis and multiple parietal strokes.
Smokers have both COPD and lung cancer (+ mets to the organ system in question).
Coke Addicts had an MI (don’t smoke crack, kids!)
Travelers get giardiasis, amoebiasis, yellow fever, dengue, hepatitis.
Kids swimming in lakes get Naegleria Fowleri.
Kids playing in the sandbox have cutaneous or visceral larva migrans.
People who look tan either have skin cancer or hemochromatosis.
Patients with a swollen knee are female, young, hot, and caught gonorrhea from their last boyfriend.

Quinine: Stereoisomer of quinidine: antimalarial agent (Fun fact: also prevents shivering. Next time you’re cold, drink a Gin & Tonic!)
Quinidine: Stereoisomer of quinine: class Ia antiarrhythmic.

How do you tell the difference? Easy: be an alcoholic. That way, you know that you always order your G&T with gen-u-ine quinine. Ooooh look! It rhymes!

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Here’s my personal favorite mnemonic, ever (and I am not, by any means, a mnemonic person). 100% of the credit goes to Peas:

The 5 Right to Left Shunts (The T’s):

0: Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Return (0 connections back from the lung)
1: Truncus Arteriosus (1 big-ass trunk)
2: Transposition of the Great Vessels (2 switched vessels)
3: Tricuspid Atresia (3 fused leaflets in the tricuspid valve)
4: Tetralogy of Fallot (c’mon, you should know these 4 cold by this point)

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Last one, then I’m done, I promise. It’s HARD to have Cardiomyopathy:
Hypertrophic: Basketball players who drop dead during a game.
Arrythmogenic: Right Ventricular Dysplasia. Thin-walled right ventricle.
Restrictive: sarcoid, amyloid, radiation, endocardial fibrosis (high eosinophil count for >6 months), hemochromatosis.
Dilated: Most common. The ABCCDs - Alcohol, Beriberi, Cocaine (don’t smoke crack, kids!), Chagas, Doxorubicin.

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First Aid Mnemonic That Sucked The Hardest Today: REd = REperfusion. Guys… this is like, the most basic of all pathology concepts. I believe I can safely say that this is not mnemonic-able (braces for hate mail).

I should mention that I always write in pencil in my book, unless I’m crossing out stupid mnemonics. That’s done in black pen… with a vengeance.

Look, I know we’re supposed to be professional about all this stuff by now. But… the whiff test?

Vaginal scrapings are taken, and put on a slide. KOH is placed on the slide, at which point it reacts with any bacteria. It then gives off a characteristic “fishy” odor, diagnosing bacterial vaginosis. Smelling for the fishy odor is officially - medically - called the “whiff test”.

Something about “vagina” + “fishy” + “whiff” + “say it with a straight face, you’re a doctor” just doesn’t sit right by me. No sir, not one bit.

Cushing’s Disease: pituitary adenoma
Cushing’s Syndrome: anything else causing increased corticosteroids
Cushing’s Triad: intracranial pressure causes hypertension + bradycardia†
CusHing’s Ulcer: stomach ulcer secondary to Head trauma
CuRling’s Ulcer: stomach ulcer secondary to buRns

ClomiPHEne: estrogen receptor agonist (used in phemales!)
CloZapine: atypical antipsychotic (used in crazies!)
Clonidine: antihypertensive (alpha-2 agonist)

Epidermolysis Bullosa: inherited skin sloughing - noninflammatory
Bullous Pemphigoid: large blisters ( - Nikolsky sign - subepithelial)
Pemphigus Vulgaris: spreading blisters ( + Nikolsky sign - intraepithelial)

Von Recklinghausen’s Disease: neurofibromatosis type I
Von Recklinghausen’s Syndrome: osteitis fibrosis cystica (”brown tumors” of bone)

Paget’s Disease: superficial carcinoma of the breast or vagina
Paget’s Disease (of bone): overactivity of osteoclasts

WerMer’s Syndrome: MEN I (Pancreas, Pituitary, Parathyroid)
WerNer’s Syndrome: premature agiNg (autosomal recessive loss of DNA helicase)

Purkinje Cells: giant neurons in the cerebellum
Purkinje Fibers: conduction pathway of the heart

Trousseau’s Sign: hand spasm on using a blood pressure cuff
Trousseau’s Sign: migratory thrombophlebitis (lots of blood clots, all over)

Chancre: nonpainful ulcer of the penis (Syphilis)
Chancroid: painful ulcer of the penis (H. Ducreyi)

Charcot’s triad (MS version): nystagmus, intention tremor, scanning speech
Charcot’s triad (cholangitis version): Jaundice, RUQ pain, fever
Charcot-Leyden crystals: microscopic finding in asthma
Charcot-Marie-Tooth: congenital neuropathy (whose name is TOOTH anyway?)
Charcot-Bouchard aneurysm: hypertensive rupture into the brain
Charcot Joints: degredation of joints and bones of the foot in neurosyphilis (tertiary)

In conclusion, Charcot was a jerk.

†thanks Lyle!