Agraphia Medical Tragicomedy


Cocaine’s a hell of a drug…

A gem from a recent dictation on a patient of mine:

[The patient] initially denied recent substance abuse, but, when confronted with a positive urine drug screen, says she "had sex with a man who uses drugs" and then finally admitted to smoking crack cocaine last night. She says her use is mainly confined to "weekends", though, of course, last night was a Tuesday.

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  1. I had no idea that cocaine could be transmitted transvaginally. I’ll have to remember that the next time I go in for my on-parole pee test. Thanks for the valuable information.

  2. Ha! Also, I love reading snarky notes.

    (Wait, are you off-service now, or do you have to dictate on ER patients? Because holy *god* that’d take forever.)

  3. Actually, Gabbiana, I would LOVE to dictate on ED patients. You get much quicker as you do a lot of them, and to be honest the amount of information I write down is far less than what I would like to actually be on the chart. I simply don’t have time to hand write everything that goes through my head.

    As residents we aren’t allowed (dictations cost money!) but you can talk far faster than you can write. And lately, I’ve been surprised, I can also talk faster than I type.

    It would make my patient flow MUCH faster if I left the room, spent 2 minutes on the phone, and then moved on to the next patient.

  4. I still maintain my favorite denial was a man who said the cocaine in his system must have come from the cigarette he got from a taxi driver.


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