Alright folks, in anticipation of hitting the wards in less than 3 months, it’s time to start racking my brain about what I want to do with my life. We’ll start with my big no’s first- it’s easier to rule out than in.

Aww hellz no!

Pathology:

The good: Amazing hours. Get techie enough and you could probably even work at home while sipping lattes from your own personal espresso machine. Zero malpractice.
The bad: Much as holding rotten, gangrenous penises gets me going, I’m going to pass on this one. Zero patient contact, zero procedures (autopsies / CSI:Miami excepted).
The ugly: See “rotten penis” above.

Radiology:

The good: Nifty images, lots of diagnoses to be made, great hours, good pay.
The bad: No patients, except on screen. Could quickly move to “good” category as I actually start seeing patients.
The ugly: Sitting in a dark room all day and slowly developing a thirst for human blood.

General Surgery:

The good: Cutting people open and not getting arrested for it. Boy’s club.
The bad: Angry coworkers, gunner med students (you know who you are), overworked attendings, shitty hours, bad pay, high malpractice …
The ugly: All of the above, combined with a sheer lack of sleep and the realization that your life is the definition of misery.

General Peds:

The good: Cute, cute kids. Adorably cute. It makes you want to pinch their cheeks… which you are fully within rights to do as a “diagnostic test”.
The bad: 2 seasons: Physical Exam season (AKA the ol’ grab ‘n cough) and ‘Flu season (AKA eat some chicken soup, you’ll be fine).
The ugly: Parents who Nair their babies.

Vascular/Cardiothoracic/Transplant Surgery:

The good: Ridiculous pay (mostly). The knowledge that you can out-asshole anybody you’ll ever meet.
The bad: Hours that make God look like a slacker for taking 6 whole days.
The ugly: See “out-asshole”.

Psychiatry:

The good: Comfy couches, finally a use for Aunt Myrtle’s knitted sweaters.
The bad: Developing a googly-eyed stare (please, tell me more!).
The ugly: Psychoanalyzing everyone you meet. Knowing you’re a shrink.

I could be swayed on:

OB/GYN:

The good: Delivering babies (joy!), being a primary care doc for the mother, seeing kids you’ve delivered in grocery stores, GYN surgery.
The bad: Malpractice/hours blow harder than almost any other specialty.
The ugly: Moms poop during delivery. Guess whose face is right up in there?

Orthopaedic Surgery:

The good: Seeing patients doubles as working out. Consulting for major sports teams means free skybox season tickets.
The bad: If you don’t watch sports, you’re way out of your league (ba-dum!)
The ugly: Hip replacements on 70-year-old women. Yikes.

Family Practice:

The good: You’re the definition of “doctor”, lots of continuity of care, huge variability in day-to-day routine.
The bad: Fine, if nobody else will, I’ll say it- you don’t make very much, and I really, really want a waterproof plasma TV in my shower.
The ugly: Dealing with specialists.

You have potential, young padawan…

Ophthalmology:

The good: Sharks + laser beams are finally a reality.
The bad: You look at eyes all day. Half your patient base is diabetic / hypertensive / both.
The ugly: Screw up and people go blind.

Internal Medicine:

The good: You have 3 years to figure out what you want to do, and most internal subspecialties are interesting and pay well.
The bad: Old people smell funny.
The ugly: Cultivating an unhealthy interest in shit, piss, and vomit.

Otolaryngology (ENT):

The good: Sooooo much cool stuff in Ear / Nose / Throat. Similar to ophtho in that the pay is insane and the possibilities after residency are endless.
The bad: I mean, you specialize in picking other people’s noses.
The ugly: Boogers were gross before. Now they’re infected and oozing everywhere and all over your hands and you can never get clean again no matter how hard you scrub AAAaaaaaaa……

Urology:

The good: Nifty toys, killer stories at cocktail parties (and future blogging!), hysterical coworkers.
The bad: You’re a pee doctor. People will always giggle behind your back for that.
The ugly: Rotten penises. Dammit! They’re EVERYWHERE!!!

Pediatric _______:

The good: Kids rule. Adding Pediatric + Anything would be kickass.
The bad: When you diagnose cancer, it’s in a kid. Suck.
The ugly: Parents.

Emergency Medicine:

The good: Dude, you’re an ER doc. As far as badasses go, you’re it (also on this list: trauma surgeons).
The bad: Shiftwork can be good or bad, depending on how you look at it.
The ugly: Drug seekers, being the primary care doc for anyone who can crawl in the door. There’s a lot more ugly in EM than most fields.

Dermatology:

The good: There’s a reason this field is hard to get into: lifestyle. Derm is the definition.
The bad: Seinfeld already made fun of you; it’s downhill from there.
The ugly: Oozy, weepy, pustular sores. Actually, I really like this kind of stuff… I wrote my application essay on how much fun it was to pop a perianal abscess.