Agraphia Medical Tragicomedy



So I performed my first pelvic exam today. It was... interesting.

Top 3 things I have learned.

1) Don't say "I'm going screw you now" to a female patient while performing her pelvic. I didn't actually say this to our PI, but I asked if it was "ok to unscrew the speculum now" and she misheard me. Mental note.

2) If you are going to perform a rectal exam on a patient, DON'T ask them to "try to poop*" to loosen up the anal sphincter. I know that was our PI's preferred method of loosening her sphincter, but I can now say from experience that it gets lots of crap on your hand. 'nuff said.

3) Never tell your doctor to "stroke the inside of your vagina so he can feel your ovaries". Stroke is not the appropriate word in this context. I don't know what the appropriate word might have been**, but it's not stroke.

*Hey, I made absolutely sure that she meant exactly that... I didn't trust it then and I certainly don't trust it now.
** There are no words.

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  1. I’d also advise against wearing a miner’s hat and slinging a length of rope over your shoulder.

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