Agraphia Medical Tragicomedy

7Jul/099

Pelvic Exams Can Be Awkward

This is a story that happened to the good Dr. O while I was on shift with her tonight. If female genital complaints gross you out, I suggest you stop reading now and go visit another website... although, it's pretty funny.

The patient's chief complaint was "vaginal discharge x 2 weeks", which - at minimum - requires a pelvic exam. Dr. O interviewed the patient, getting some more background information. Whitish discharge. Unprotected sex. New boyfriend. Run of the mill, most likely a sexually transmitted infection. The nurse comes in, they set up for the pelvic, and begin.

By her account, this was the most horrifically awful pelvic examination she has ever performed. Milky white fluid was leaking everywhere. On the sheets, on her scrubs, on the speculum. It was all she could take not to gag.

Impeccable, composed physician that she is, Dr. O obtained her samples, and then calmly told the patient that she was quite concerned about the amount of discharge. "This," she said, "is honestly the most fluid I have ever seen on a pelvic exam. We will empirically treat you with antibiotics for a suspected STI, and will call you with the results of the tests as soon as we have them."

The patient looked at her and said "Aw, that ain't no discharge. Me and my boyfriend just raw-dogged it right before we came to the ER. That's all cum."