Agraphia Medical Tragicomedy


Things (I) Learn From My Patients

All these stories are borrowed (& cleaned up, which is my contribution) from the forums over at They're just too good to pass up...

1) Never, ever leave flashlights, beer bottles or any other long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it... and it will somehow impale its way up your rectum.

2) Always do woodwork with your skillsaw before using meth.

3) White latex paint, despite being luxuriously thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide relief like pepto bismol does.

4) If you have taken 7 home pregnancy tests, and they're all positive, when you come into the emergency department... chances are our test will come back positive too.

5) If you are given a prescription for narcotics, at least have the courtesy of leaving the lobby before you try to sell the pillz.

6) Drinking diluted Pine Sol with 5 friends is not a good way to get drunk.

7) When attempting self-circumcision, do not use dry ice to numb the area. As a corollary, when the dry ice sticks to your parts, do not attempt to remove it with boiling water.

8) When stealing a prescription pad, please fill it out correctly before turning it into the pharmacy. They know something's up when you write for "1.2 pounds of morfeen x 1000 refills"

9) Carefully weigh your options before inserting a toilet brush wrapped in duct tape and saran wrap into your rectum and breaking off the handle. There are better ways to spend your Saturday afternoon.

10) When your 15 year old daughter gives birth to a bleating, underweight infant 30 minutes after presenting with "gas pain", try not to run around the ED loudly proclaiming, "I don't know what y'all did or who that baby is, but my lil' girl warn't pregnant when she come in here!"

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Comments (24) Trackbacks (1)
  1. ahhahahahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahaha

  2. How have I never stumbled across your blog. loving, it.

  3. this is more like….things i already knew but reinforced by my patients….

  4. Hilarious! hahahahahahah Laughter is the beset medicine!

  5. It not that people are fools. Its that they use their intelligence for such foolish things.

  6. I don’t want to sound like a complete meanie, but… Hahahaha! Stupid people are funny!

  7. hilarious.

  8. Always do woodwork with your skillsaw before using meth.

    That is going to continue to disassemble me for the rest of the day, so thankyou.

  9. Ha-ha! These will all make great individual stories on their own.

  10. Great, I love it, laughed so hard. I am a long time ER Nurse and could ad to the list :)

  11. I am a long time nurse.
    I needed the great laugh

  12. Hilarious!!! Hey doc, can I get a script for oxycontin? PLEASE!!!

  13. Haha “simon” the nurse. That’s a funny name for a girl!

  14. Jabroney, that’s a bit of an assumption, not to mention very sexist.

    Simon never said he was a GIRL, he said he was a NURSE. Very different.

    Looks like the joke’s on you now… haha

  15. This was hilarious. I laughed the whole way through.

  16. Ah, I see you have tapped into our ER patient files…I have actually witnessed these events, sutured the wounds, or helped correctly recount verbatim, the stories of these people…as the ER staff knows…you just can’t make this stuff up!

  17. Wow this is some funny and pathetic stuff

  18. I stumbled upon this :)

  19. #2 is bullshit

  20. #10…good shit.

  21. I don’t know how THIS one didn’t get on reddit. Too funny

  22. It did, at some point. Don’t know what happened to it.

  23. Any doctor, especially ER doctors, can tell you people are not as stupid as they seem. They are a LOT more stupid than that.