Things (I) Learn From My Patients
All these stories are borrowed (& cleaned up, which is my contribution) from the forums over at studentdoctor.net. They're just too good to pass up...
1) Never, ever leave flashlights, beer bottles or any other long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it... and it will somehow impale its way up your rectum.
2) Always do woodwork with your skillsaw before using meth.
3) White latex paint, despite being luxuriously thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide relief like pepto bismol does.
4) If you have taken 7 home pregnancy tests, and they're all positive, when you come into the emergency department... chances are our test will come back positive too.
5) If you are given a prescription for narcotics, at least have the courtesy of leaving the lobby before you try to sell the pillz.
6) Drinking diluted Pine Sol with 5 friends is not a good way to get drunk.
7) When attempting self-circumcision, do not use dry ice to numb the area. As a corollary, when the dry ice sticks to your parts, do not attempt to remove it with boiling water.
When stealing a prescription pad, please fill it out correctly before turning it into the pharmacy. They know something's up when you write for "1.2 pounds of morfeen x 1000 refills"
9) Carefully weigh your options before inserting a toilet brush wrapped in duct tape and saran wrap into your rectum and breaking off the handle. There are better ways to spend your Saturday afternoon.
10) When your 15 year old daughter gives birth to a bleating, underweight infant 30 minutes after presenting with "gas pain", try not to run around the ED loudly proclaiming, "I don't know what y'all did or who that baby is, but my lil' girl warn't pregnant when she come in here!"
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July 30th, 2007 - 04:08
ahhahahahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahaha
July 31st, 2007 - 14:35
How have I never stumbled across your blog. loving, it.
August 1st, 2007 - 10:32
This was AWESOME.
August 1st, 2007 - 20:16
this is more like….things i already knew but reinforced by my patients….
August 5th, 2007 - 16:35
Hilarious! hahahahahahah Laughter is the beset medicine!
August 5th, 2007 - 18:26
It not that people are fools. Its that they use their intelligence for such foolish things.
August 6th, 2007 - 17:50
I don’t want to sound like a complete meanie, but… Hahahaha! Stupid people are funny!
August 7th, 2007 - 13:03
hilarious.
August 8th, 2007 - 05:48
Always do woodwork with your skillsaw before using meth.
That is going to continue to disassemble me for the rest of the day, so thankyou.
August 8th, 2007 - 06:52
Ha-ha! These will all make great individual stories on their own.
August 20th, 2007 - 16:38
Great, I love it, laughed so hard. I am a long time ER Nurse and could ad to the list
September 4th, 2007 - 06:25
I am a long time nurse.
I needed the great laugh
November 8th, 2007 - 14:30
Hilarious!!! Hey doc, can I get a script for oxycontin? PLEASE!!!
May 26th, 2010 - 21:10
Haha “simon” the nurse. That’s a funny name for a girl!
May 27th, 2010 - 05:10
Jabroney, that’s a bit of an assumption, not to mention very sexist.
Simon never said he was a GIRL, he said he was a NURSE. Very different.
Looks like the joke’s on you now… haha
July 1st, 2010 - 09:19
This was hilarious. I laughed the whole way through.
October 12th, 2010 - 22:08
Ah, I see you have tapped into our ER patient files…I have actually witnessed these events, sutured the wounds, or helped correctly recount verbatim, the stories of these people…as the ER staff knows…you just can’t make this stuff up!
January 24th, 2011 - 22:29
Wow this is some funny and pathetic stuff
February 20th, 2011 - 10:18
I stumbled upon this
March 27th, 2011 - 21:31
#2 is bullshit
May 12th, 2011 - 20:04
#10…good shit.
July 4th, 2011 - 22:47
I don’t know how THIS one didn’t get on reddit. Too funny
July 5th, 2011 - 01:54
It did, at some point. Don’t know what happened to it.