Agraphia Medical Tragicomedy


Why I Hate My Pager

I hate my pager. I think most medical students/interns/residents/doctors do - anybody with a phone can monopolize your time. "I know he's on a mechanical ventilator, but Mr. C would like to go outside and smoke..."

But see, that's not really why I hate my pager. No, I hate my pager because it uses batteries faster than anything I've ever seen. It's not even nice about it. When the battery is low, it emits a triple-beep, piercing noise every hour or so, waking me up at night, until I give it more juice.

I changed the battery 2 weeks ago. I don't get it. My old game boy would last longer than this piece of crap, and the pager has a tiny display that I can barely read. I haven't even been paged for a week, so it's not like it's doing anything important.

It just sits there, feeding off batteries like some little black vampire. Look, I didn't want the damn pager in the first place, having to replace batteries every few weeks just adds insult to injury.


Open scene. Zac is trying to fall asleep after a long day. He is tossing and turning in bed. There is a crib holding an oversized pager next to the bed. Overhead three pager tones play, over and over, until Zac finally sits up, rubbing his eyes.


Zac: Honey, the pager's going off again. Is it your turn or mine?

There is no answer.

Zac: Oh wait, I forgot, I'm not married. She didn't want the pager...

Wiping away a solitary tear, he crawls out of bed. He picks the pager up, cradling it gently in his arms.

Zac: At least I have you, Pagey. You'll always be with me. Always.

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  1. “like some little black vampire”

    I am offended by your pager racism. Would it be less bothersome to you if it were a little white vampire (though I admit that it loses some of the dramatic effect)? The professional dictates of our profession demand that you learn to be more professional in your attitudes towards pagers with colors other than your own.

  2. you do know that Grace and Nancy hand out batteries for free in their office, right?? free. plus you get to chat with of the greatest admin people in our school. and grace always has candy.

  3. I was going to recommend NiMH rechargeables, but since you can get them for free from Grace and Nancy, you should just make a habit of dropping in to see them before your pager wakes you up.

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  5. Finally a male version of myself… You are too hilarious… You def. belonng in the ER (now ED) just like myself…Don’t stop writing, cause I am addicted to reading about your life haha…

    25 yr old Jersey girl

  6. You are actually brilliant.

  7. I really wonder the reason why you named this blog post, “Why I
    Hate My Pager | Agraphia”. In any event I really enjoyed the article!
    Thanks a lot-Francine

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