Agraphia Medical Tragicomedy

23May/07Off

Zac Fact #10 (Bigot Your Way To Success!)

Earlier on, when I was talking about my golden rules for SBS, I mentioned that you shouldn't stereotype... openly. The USMLE is your chance to practice. Nobody ever needs to know that the instant you see lawyer you immediately think scumbag who sleeps with prostitutes and therefore has gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, and herpes. It'll stay our dirty little secret.

Stereotyping for the USMLE:
How To Discriminate Your Way To The Top

Race/Ethnicity

African Americans have sarcoid and sickle cell.
Africans have Burkitt's, malaria, sleeping sickness, or worse.
White kids have cystic fibrosis and can't dance.
Jewish girls have ulcerative colitis or crohn's.
Eastern Europeans have glycogen storage diseases (oy vey!).
Gorgeous Mediterranian men have beta thalassemia.
Japanese people have stomach cancer and ninja skills.
Peruvians have huge lungs, hypoxia, and polycythemia.
Native Americans are obese, have diabetes, high cholesterol, and gallstones.
Indians (from India) have TB and oral cancer from chewing Betel nuts .
Immigrants all have a disease that we can prevent with a vaccine.
Central Americans have Chagas and can dance the tango.
Mexican Kids have lead poisoning (lead-laced candy was a bad call, vatos).
French people - particularly from Paris, that dirty, dirty city - have toxoplasmosis.
Asians have alpha thalassemia, Takayasu Arteritis, and asian glow.
Americans are fat. Actually, thats just an observation of mine.
"Urban" patients present to the ER with knife wounds that conveniently test your knowledge of anatomy.

Professions

Lawyers have STD's (gotcha now, suckas!).
Dentists and aerospace workers have Berylliosis.
Explosives experts / Explosives plant workers get "monday morning headache".
Coal miners have CWP, TB, and Rheumatoid Arthritis.
Cave explorers have cryptococcus.
Sheepherders have echinococcus and a dog named Lassie.
Radiologists have any blood cancer but CLL.
Nurses and pharmacists have factitious disorder.
Football players, wrestlers, and weight lifters are taking anabolic steroids.
Young athletes have osteogenic sarcoma.

Pathologic States

Kids (0-14) who are tired have ALL.
Young Adults (14-40) who are tired have AML.
Adults (40-60) who are tired have CML.
Elderly (60-?) who are tired have CLL.
Kids with Downs have a VSD, Hirschsprungs, ALL, and Alzheimers.
Transplant patients got CMV in addition to their shiny new organ.
Diabetics have life-threatening mucor infection. Every freakin' time.
HIV patients have toxoplasmosis, if it's a multiloculated brain cyst.
Moms who lose their first baby have type O blood.

Lifestyles

Women are always pregnant. No matter how careful they were.
Alcoholics have HCC, B12 deficiency, Klebs pneumonia, and Wernicke-Korsikoff.
IV drug users have right sided endocarditis and multiple parietal strokes.
Smokers have both COPD and lung cancer (+ mets to the organ system in question).
Coke Addicts had an MI (don't smoke crack, kids!)
Travelers get giardiasis, amoebiasis, yellow fever, dengue, hepatitis.
Kids swimming in lakes get Naegleria Fowleri.
Kids playing in the sandbox have cutaneous or visceral larva migrans.
People who look tan either have skin cancer or hemochromatosis.
Patients with a swollen knee are female, young, hot, and caught gonorrhea from their last boyfriend.

Comments (19) Trackbacks (1)
  1. An absolute masterwork. Bravo.

  2. patients with the swollen knee might have hooked up with the laywer in the past?

  3. Awesome! I’m sending this to my class since we’re all studying for Step 1 right now. It’s a great expansion off the “Goljanism” about how “all athletes are on anabolic steroids.”

    Years from now, I’m sure I’ll still reflexively shout out “Cryptococcus!” whenever someone says “Pigeons!” hehe. (Spelunkerers = idiots who go into caves = Histoplasmosis, IIRC…)

    Classical conditioning is fun for all ages!

  4. Don’t forget people who go camping!

  5. I know I’m commenting on a ridiculously old post, but I’m avoiding working on my obstetrics research proposal and what better way to procrastinate than to re-read your Zac facts!

    Wanted to comment on this one:
    “People who look tan either have skin cancer or hemochromatosis.”
    Or Addisons! Fun fact: pro-opiomelanocortin is the precursor for both ACTH and melanocortin, so excess ACTH production also leads to excessive stimulation of the melanocytes! Cool, huh? (You probably already knew that, but we learned it pathology and I thought it was interesting)

    I should really go do some work now…

  6. Does anyone else have any experience with this?

  7. A most informative guide on lung cancer, thank you, it has provided me with some comfort

  8. I keep listening to the news speak about getting natural herpes help so I have been looking around for the best site to get information. Thank you for your help!

  9. Very well written list. So true of the USMLE.

  10. Australians have tapeworms.

  11. I appreciate the sentiment but… Tango comes from Argentina in South America… Which is what, 4k miles away from Central America? D’oh!

  12. australian + jaundice/RUQ pain = echinococcus

  13. Addison’s dz for the tan ppl

  14. Bfrank,

    nope, it’s actually usually hemosiderosis (primary being bronze diabetes) or secondary from transfusions..

    they rarely give away addison’s like that…

  15. Cave Explorers have Histoplasmosis

  16. General anxiety disorder and azkanazi Jews.